I was born in the late 1940s in a small industrial village in the East Midlands. My overriding memory as a child is Anxiety. I remember coming home from school when I was probably seven and finding my mother attended by the doctor and a neighbour. She was wailing in distress. I was hurriedly taken next door by the neighbour and no one ever explained to me what was happening. I guess my Mum was having a breakdown.
I was bullied at school, but I tried to hide it from my mother. If she found out, she would drag me round to the culprit’s house and “have it out” with the bully’s mother on the doorstep. Of course, the next day meant more bullying. I can remember standing in a corner of the playground at break time, watching the boys play football. I knew how to play football but somehow, I didn’t know how to join in.
By the age of 14 I had found alcohol. I liked how it made me feel. I felt like a king! By 17 I was drinking regularly in pubs and among my mates I always drank the most. I was a very irresponsible car driver and crashed several times whilst drunk, before the days of the breathalyser. My drinking meant that my A level results were not good enough to get into University and I ended up as a civil servant.
I was a functioning alcoholic but at that time I had no idea. I often wondered how others on the same income as I seemed to have money that I didn’t. I had many episodes of depression and anxiety over the years. I got married and had children, but I really had no clue how to live life. I know I wasn’t a good husband or father. Somehow, I never felt I was legitimate as a man. I was always anxious and felt inferior if I had to visit garages or builders’ merchants where there were “real” men.
In my early thirties I finally realised that my life problems and booze were locked together. I had often wanted the problems to be taken away so I could drink without the consequences. Now, by joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I had to learn that nothing would get better until I stopped drinking. I found the idea of not drinking one day at a time immensely helpful. There was no way I could stop drinking for ever. It seemed far too frightening, but I could stop for a day.
That was 37 years ago, and I haven’t had any alcohol since. I learned that I needed a spiritual awakening. For me that meant I needed to change from a person who needed alcohol just to be alive to a person who was comfortable in his own skin sufficiently to not need a drink. I needed to become honest, with myself and with others. I could no longer afford the white lies I told to prevent feeling embarrassment. I knew that if I tried in any way to hide from the world as it is then I would eventually seek to hide inside a glass or a bottle. I still work the principles of the 12 Steps of AA in my daily life and I have no need of alcohol.
People sometimes ask if I couldn’t have a glass of wine with a meal after all this time. The truth is That I don’t know if I could safely drink, but I do know that it’s not worth finding out. Why on earth would I want to drink a glass of wine? I never drank for the taste or for enjoyment – I drank for the effect. I don’t feel that I have given anything up except pain and misery. I’m simply not prepared to risk what I have now just to have a glass of wine – I don’t in any way feel the need for it.
Over the years I’ve had episodes of depression. I think it’s the way my brain is made but I have found in recent years that the healthy bacteria in my gut plays a large part in my emotional health, so I am careful to look after my friendly microbes!
I’m comfortable with myself these days; I don’t feel inferior to other men; I enjoy my own company and I do think that I have made a positive contribution to the world in which I live. I truly believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. I am grateful for being an alcoholic who found AA. Before I drank my life was miserable. Alcohol seemed, for a short while, to make it better, but it made it even worse. If I hadn’t found the 12 Steps and had a desperate reason to take them on board, I would still be a miserable and ineffectual person. So, I believe I am truly blessed.