I have never succeeded with any resolution I’ve made and I’m now in my 80th decade!
For me, resolutions require a major effort of will power. Every resolution I’ve made has been because I “ought to”, because it would be “good” for me or others. In other words, the “me” deep inside my being wasn’t convinced. I’ve discovered that the only way I can change a habit is if I am deeply unhappy with it. And my willpower just isn’t up to the task. Once I’m truly, deeply, unhappy change will happen.
My alcoholic drinking is a good example. For years I knew that my drinking was destructive, as were the behaviours associated with it. Countless times I promised myself (resolved) not to drink, only to succumb within hours. I did stop drinking, but not by resolution or willpower alone. I discovered I needed to face the facts that I was helpless and hopeless and needed to surrender my inner self to the care of something greater than me. In my case it was a 12 Step Fellowship.
I tried to stop smoking countless times, but, again, I didn’t really want to; I just “ought” to. Eventually I felt so disgusted with myself for being the slave of nicotine that I simply stopped. No resolutions, no drama, I just stopped because deep down I wanted to.
I’m overweight because I eat too much of “empty calories” and don’t move enough. I haven’t cracked this one yet because I am unwilling to give up eating certain things, and I’m lazy. It’s no use me telling myself that I’ll stop eating chocolate, or cut down, because if I’m honest I know that it won’t happen. It won’t happen because I’m unwilling. When I truly want to lose weight, I know it will happen. Until then I won’t punish myself.
Willpower – what’s that about for me? In my life working life I’ve achieved some big things and I’ve had to use a lot of willpower to get through the challenges. So how come I can use will power successfully at work but not in my deeply personal life? I don’t know. I’d probably need psychotherapy to unpick it – I probably need psychotherapy anyway!!
For me, if I need to make a resolution to change, it means I’m promising myself to do something different. Why do I need to promise myself? I’m in conflict with myself. The very fact that I need to make a resolution shows me I’m not going to do it willingly, so why on earth should I have a fight with myself?
The most important thing I’ve ever done for me, is to stop drinking alcohol in 1982, and I’ve been completely off it ever since. Surrender of my inner self has been the key. Over the years my understanding of what that means has changed and deepened. It’s difficult to explain. It’s no longer about abject, desperate surrender. Nowadays I am interested in Taoism as a philosophy. Each day I seek connection with all that is – Tao, the unchanging, ever changing mystery. I never make resolutions because I know I’m just setting myself up for inner conflict and to fail. Practising self-awareness and humility will lead me to find where I’m meant to be.
New Year is an important symbol and I look forward to it with optimism but without resolutions. I hope you have a good one.