I think it all started when I met my best friend. she was really pretty so many boys would crush on her. I remember it was the beginning times of our friendship and it was a new year which meant new classes new ppl so that’s where I met her. we became deskmates and realized we had similar interests. so boys would tell me things to tell her and all that and on the first term, she got a boyfriend and all. I didn’t think much of it then since I wasn’t interested in having a boyfriend at that time but then it started to bother me when all my friends had one and id never had one .theyd all told me their stories as I just sat there and listened. I used to be insecure but it just got worse and worse .so my best friend would ask me if I was just gay or uninterested in relationships. I don’t know if I was on drugs or high for some reason since I now started thinking I was lesbian (i am cringing so had rn)something came over me and I 1st thought I was bi then I then thought I was lesbian .yeah so from then on for 4 years I thought I was gay(WTF!!!)in those yrs I came out to my friends who “supported” me ( TRUST ME, THEY DIDNT, THAT’S THE ONLY THING IM SURE OF AT THIS POINT)apparently one of my friends outed me then I went into this whole scene of acting out some betrayal(tf was I even doing)
yeah…
so it reached the time for our graduation and we all said bye to one another and all that then it was time for the holiday. over the holiday I bing watched LGBTQ movies and all .listened to LGBTQ artists, learned vocabulary, and made posters and bracelets .so that’s how I spent my holiday. also watched TikTok educating myself on the community.
so then it was time for a new year and new school. it was an all-girls school and there were a lot of relationships and all that. you’d expect me to join in since I was gay and now I had the freedom to meet ppl like me but then I wasn’t feeling any of it. so one day I woke up and am like talking to myself and I tell myself that I have been lying to my bitch ass self. I ask myself wtf I’m doing with my life if I have the truth at the back of my damn mind.so I had a little more chit-chat with myself and I decided I was…
CONCLUSION…
STRAIGHT. yup, I had been lying to myself for 4 yrs.
since I was young ppl constantly commented on my appearance. the 1st one was when I was in kindergarten I was often told I looked and sounded like a boy. as I grew up I was called fat even though I constantly tried to look like the ppl who I saw on TV. so then I realized ppl preferred light skin women in my country ( I’m black by the way)so I would use toothpaste and steel my moms’ skin-brightening creams. I would also try workouts and all that shit just to look similar to my friends(i was 12 when doing all this)anytime I got money from my parents id go and buy anything which I thought would improve my appearance. my friend would also talk about how their lips were pink and mine were dark so id steal my moms’ sugar and honey and aggressively scrub my skin but id just damage my skin then leaving scars.id try to go on diets to make sure I was slim. (did all this until I was 14)they always comment on my complexion. I was told by one of my friends I shouldn’t be angry or cry coz I look really ugly so when I tried smiling more I was told I looked ugly (she would constantly remind me about this)too so nowadays it is hard to express myself so my current friend asks me why but I can’t answer them coz I don’t know how to. my best friend also called me ugly so I had a mental breakdown then the next day she pretended as if nothing happened and I too did coz if she got mad at me id have 0 friends and be lonely. yeah, so the point I was trying to make was that I was so insecure that I believed I was so ugly that no boy would like me so I decided to be lesbian. I don’t know if that was solving things or making things worse but in my opinion, I was making everything worse .so in the end I decided to block all my friends and just be myself. I came to realize that not everyone will think u r beautiful and u just have to deal with that. and then I blocked my former friends(my contacts r so empty right now)yeah so that’s…
THE END.