I’ve been lonely since I could remember. As a child, I’ve never really experience true happiness only temporary happiness like when I received a gift, something nice happened or distracting myself with mindless things. I will feel happy for a few minutes and then the loneliness returns. In high school, it became heavier when insecurities and peer pressure surfaced. I didn’t mind being alone or having few friends but kids in school thought otherwise. They would constantly pin point that I’m so quiet and weird because I don’t think and act like them. They would also point out how my older sister and I look different from each other. Then, they made comparisons about my sister and I. They would say if only I was fairer, straight teeth, thin eyebrows and good hair maybe I’ll look pretty. Hearing them say those words to me was like a punch in the gut. Those statements only confirmed the insecurities I’ve been struggling for a long time. So, I decided to pluck my thick eyebrows to make myself pretty. Funnily, I didn’t know how to properly pluck eyebrows so my left eyebrow was almost extinct. Luckily, my sister fixed it making it less noticeable. Since I had a hard time making myself pretty, why not change my personality? From being an introvert to extrovert. At first, kids in school started talking to me and I would feel so relieved but it was hard. It’s hard being someone you’re not. It’s a constant struggle to put on a façade and act in front of everybody. This continued on when I started college. I kept on acting but slowly cracking. My emotions were all over the place and I’ve exaggerated my behavior towards other people. To the point where they started hating me and exclude me because of it. It was depressing because everything was getting out of hand and I’ve mistreated people which was never my intention. At my first job after I graduate college, I still kept the act. That’s where I realized majority of people will see through your bullsh*t. Also, it was getting hard for me to keep up with the act. From there, I ripped off the mask and accepted everything. I was tired of acting. When I stopped the act, I realized because of what I did I forgot who I really am. I started from the very bottom and learn about myself slowly. It was a hard process but little by little I’m discovering myself again. To this day, I’m still figuring out who I am and what I really want in life. I’m still lonely but it’s bearable now since I’ve accepted my true emotions. There are still a lot of things I need to work on myself. At least now, I’m hopeful things would turn out okay.
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