One of my first memories is the first day in early childhood preschool. The classroom had several tables where we sat with our names taped in front of us. I stretched my arms out across the table and touched the girls name tag next to me and she immediately pushed my hand way saying don’t touch my name tag. I started to cry in embarrassment and became ashamed of myself. I felt instantly rejected by my classmates. I have always been a sensitive and emotional person who grew up thinking this was a bad thing and you couldn’t show people that part of you. I spent most of my life trying to hide my hurt feelings from others. I thought being sensitive was a curse, mostly because I didn’t have words to describe what I was feeling. Also If you showed weakness you were bullied, picked on or laughed at. I was picked on and I remember feeling like there was no escape from it. My grandmother told me to pretend I wasn’t afraid. This turned into pretending to be someone I was not and keeping secrets but I wouldn’t realize it until years later. The more I hid myself from others the more I disliked myself and became unrecognizable to myself. The hurt didn’t stop there I was sexually assaulted as a teenager by an ex boyfriend.
I learned not to love myself at an early age. I thought my bullies were right about what they said about me. I was so embarrassed about being bullied that I didn’t even want my family to know. I was bullied from elementary to high school until I stopped attending school altogether. I found myself looking for love and validation outside of myself from others. I had my first kiss at the age of 12 because I felt it was something I should do to fit in. I had sex for the first time at the age of 14 because I wanted my boyfriend to like me. He broke up with me soon after that by having a bully tell me publicly in front of everyone on the bus to school. That started my path to promiscuity and I slept with a number of guys in my neighborhood. I never even took the time to figure out if they liked me, I just wanted the pain to go away. I learned later that it was only a temporary fix to a bigger problem I buried and didn’t want to deal with.
When I was 16 or 17 I moved to my aunts house to attend high school to try to avoid being bullied constantly. I thought this would be a chance for a new start. I met a guy who would father my son. One weekend I went back to my moms house and my ex boyfriend was throwing rocks at my window earlier in the morning. I let him in and we talked for a few minutes. I told him I had a boyfriend and he sexually assaulted me in my living room. The next day I was walking up my street and a guy teased me about the position he held me down. He told people about it as if it was consensual and I knew no one would believe me. This created more fear and secrets that I buried. Soon after that my boyfriend called me and asked did I cheat on him. I said no, and told him what happened in my living room. He asked me who he was and I told him I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. I didn’t even tell my Mother or other family members. This was another memory that I buried and did not deal with.
My boyfriend and I would have a son sometime after that. I was 18 years old and scared out of my mind. Wasn’t completely sure my boyfriend was willing to help take care of my son. I would enter survival mode to provide for my son. I received my GED, got a job and an apartment. My sons father and I were off and on due to not pulling his weight.
When my son was about 3 or 4 I would allow the guy who sexually assaulted me back into my life. He asked me to use my kitchen for illegal purposes and I couldn’t say no to him. Once during this time I slept with this guy and the sexual assault I buried never crossed my mind. Seemed like he manipulated my life to the point where I was a play thing.
Shortly after that I would discover that I was pregnant at well visit to my doctor. I went home to tell my son’s father that I was pregnant. He was shocked to say the least. He was scarce and hard to find after that. I never considered that I slept with someone else. In my mind I was completely sure my son’s father was the father of my second child as well.
I would have to figure out on my own years later that he thought this and told everyone else that as well. We went to court for child support and he said he didn’t want a paternity test. I would learn later that the reason for this is so that he and his family could continue to make me believe that everything was okay. My reactions to past unresolved issues were off, to say the least. I lashed out at anyone who I thought mistreated me. I never considered the pain I caused others and how it may have made them feel. I could only see my own pain. There were a lot of issues that I harbored inside. I had anger that I never truly dealt with.
When I started to become aware of my issues, I discovered that my father and other family members disowned me because they thought I lied about who my daughters father was purposely. I also believe they stopped talking to me because of the mean things I said about all of them out of anger.
When I tried to tell my truth just as I thought no one believed me. Again I self sabotaged myself wanting to be like others to fit in. I braggingly told someone I thought was my friend that I slept with my ex like it was something I planned. Trying to seem like more than who I really was. I regretted what I told that person , she made sure everyone in the city heard about the situation.
I have come to see and understand that this all was a self fulfilling prophecy for myself. I didn’t believe anything good could happen to me. I didn’t believe anyone could love me if I wasn’t perfect. I didn’t know how to let things go or forgive.
I find it difficult to forgive myself many times because of the past mistakes I have made. I feel I should have known better than to let those things happen to me. However you must learn from your carelessness. You were too caught up in yourself and in who you think you’re supposed to be. You hadn’t matured enough to know that you always deserved to be a priority in many people’s lives.
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