Hi, my name is Rachel Sally Browne. I’m a 36 year old transgender woman living in a sleepy Derbyshire town, with my partner and our two cats Lilly and Lola.
My story, I think, is very typical of most transgender people growing up in the 80’s and 90’s. Looking back as one does, I know I was aware at the age of maybe twelve or thirteen that something was different and thoughts where rushing through my head at this age and looking back maybe I knew or maybe I didn’t know I was transgender. Over the past years I’ve wondered if there were any signs before I was woken and aware and looking back, I can see some hints. I was oldest and I had a brother and when I was younger, I used to hang around with girls and play with them and I would have them over for tea parties and play dates, but as I got older, I was encouraged more to play with boys of my age. This presented problems. I felt very strongly that I didn’t fit in with them and we had nothing in common and still to this day I struggle talking to males about their interests and hobbies.
I would openly say that I wasn’t the most athletic child, and I would much rather have been doing something else more arts and crafty. I have a very sporting family. My uncle played professional cricket and my granddad was also particularly good at sports; not at a professional level but nevertheless he loved sports. So, whenever I went over there, or they took me out 8/10 times it was sport related activity.
My family upbringing was troubled to say the least. My dad left my mum shortly after we moved to a new town. The reason why we moved was for my dad’s work. Shortly after, he walked out and contact slowly dwindled away till the point of all contact was lost with my dad. This left my mum to bring me and my brother up on her own in the 80’s with a new house they bought together, and my mum had no form of income. Life was tough for us, but we had each other. We survived. My mum moved on with her life and met a new partner. He was lovely and very much a family man, who took to us like we were his own. Nothing was too much for him. He brought life and soul back into a very much dark house at the time.
I would say my childhood was filled with both joy and sadness, but overall a pleasant one. Getting into my teens, and this is where I am sure I started to question and be aware of my gender dysphoria. I would often lie on my bed at night thinking and wondering what it would be like to be a girl forever. What it would be like to be seen as female and live my life as a woman and do the things women do, get married and have kids and be pregnant. This is where reality sets in and for most transgender women it’s the one thing we all want but can never have. It’s the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Cis gender women often use this against us in transphobic attacks. It cuts like a knife and the hurt never goes away; stays with us forever.
While going through puberty at school was a nightmare here, I was looking at a body I don’t want, and I don’t recognise. Changes were fast and cruel; with these changes came secondary school which was no walk in the park. On the whole it was ok but there was always one subject I hated and that was PE and since puberty was among us in school, we were forced to take showers after PE lessons every time without fail. This in any normal person would be an issue but I was very conscious my body wasn’t right, and I felt vulnerable in the showers naked. Growing up and even into my adult life I would never ever take my top off never mind get naked in front of people. I would think to myself girls don’t go around with their tops off so why should I. So, when it was shower time I would wait till the last minute and run through with my clothes on and just wet my hair, making it look like I had a shower.
The main thing back then in the mid-90s being transgender wasn’t talked about as it is now. It’s freely talked about and within thirty seconds you can google it and have understanding or find someone to reach out to for help. When I was a teenager there wasn’t that support or help around and the internet was very much in its infant state it wasn’t as developed as it is today.
I had a basic understanding I was transgender, but I had no concept of what to do or where to seek help.
As I got older my mum would leave me at home alone. You know the kind; stroppy teenager doesn’t want to go out with parents. While my mum was out, I started to experiment with makeup and clothes. I felt such a huge relief when i would apply makeup or try some new clothes on I was fortunate to have a paper round and managed to save money with Christmas tips to buy clothes for myself. I would hide them away in the house in places I would hope my mum wouldn’t find them. On more than one occasion I’ve lost track of time and she’s come home unloading the shopping from the car and I’m upstairs rushing around to try and get this makeup off or the clothes I was wearing at the time. As I mentioned there was a huge relief from wearing female clothes and seeing myself in them, but there was always the niggling thing in the back of your head that says this is wrong, it’s going against what you have been taught and led to believe. This created massive conflicts within me over the issue.
At some point I believe all transgender people question just how transgender they are. Most people will have this battle throughout, questioning your transgenderness. Being transgender is far from easy it takes a massive mental toll on your mind, this constant battle raging inside your head. The biggest hurdle to face is accepting your transgender. In my late teens early twenty’s this was a massive battle that I tried to shut down on many occasions. I would pretend I wasn’t transgender and in late teens i found myself hanging around girls at the weekend, taking them shopping for clothes etc. but secretly enjoying it because I was hanging around with fellow females and taking in their interactions between them and issues they face in day to day society. Deep down hurting for the fact i couldn’t be open at this stage. The world to me then was very dark. What If anyone found out I was transgender! Looking back, I’m not sure what the girls I hung around wit thought. I never tried it on with any of them like most guys tried at that stage. Maybe they thought i was gay, I really don’t know. I should really ask them. Turns out in later life they have been massively supportive of me and my journey so far.
So fast forward many years of hate and denial and trying to muster some kind of life for myself. I started seeing this woman. Very shortly after we started seeing each other she informed me I was going to be a father out the blue. I was very much, right let’s settle down and make this work, so I moved down to Leicestershire and we moved in together. This would be her second child. She had a daughter from a previous relationship. The pregnancy was like any normal pregnancy and went well. We had a lovely son born 5th December so should have been a lovely Christmas present for us all.
Whenever there’s a birth and a pregnancy all the attention is on mum and baby. Here i was suffering, feeling lost and disconnected and helpless. The first six months and longer were torture for me. I honestly think looking back now I had post-natal depression. I just couldn’t cope with this situation especially when I was left in charge to look after him. I felt worthless and helpless and no bond at all to my own flesh and blood. I would make any excuse up not to interact or look after him on my own. I don’t know if this was because of the underlying issues of me being transgender but his early years were tough. I had very little patience for him and his mum. The relationship between us started to become toxic and damaging to both of us. I started to dress in female clothes in the house for some kind relief for me. She was fully aware that I would do this. She wasn’t overjoyed by this, but she also didn’t put a stop to it. After several years together and life being rock bottom in a dark and nasty place, I thought best I moved out and we split up. I moved back to my family home in Nottinghamshire. It was a lonely time. I lost everything and had nothing in my eyes to show for it. I started to rebuild my life and tried to make friends which was tough. I had been away for so long you lose contact with friends when you’re in relationships or they are, and I really didn’t have many friends.
While back home, this would have been 2011/2012, I started to think more and more about me and my life and that’s when I stumbled across a web page in regard to transgender woman. It was a private page where other transgender people had profiles. This fascinated me and I joined up more out of curiosity than anything and realised there’s a whole new world out there. Wasn’t long before I made some friends and got chatting away. Things started to make more and more sense as I read these peoples profiles and soon started to see the same things in my life. I started to get together a small collection of clothes, shoes, boots, and outfits on the sole intention of having a night out, presenting female to the world. Got chatting to this woman and she seemed really nice and we decided to go out for an evening one Monday night. She told me about this pub in Derby that’s lgbtq+ and they have a transgender night on Monday nights. I would be perfectly safe. Presenting female to the world is very nerve racking. There’s many thoughts that go through your head, will I get someone starting, will I get spotted by someone who knows me etc. It’s very much full on or nothing and you won’t ever do it, you have to be committed and take that plunge and the first time I walked out onto a busy street for the world to see you it’s very much like a new-born baby into the world; it’s very bright and hectic and fast paced. I really enjoyed it in the end and my first night out passed with no incidents or hassle. I had around 6 months of going out at the weekends and weeknights and enjoying myself. It got to the point I was really comfortable out on a night out. Looking back now to where I am, these very early days were a practise and trial for me.
So, while I was out presenting female on nights out, discovering myself, I started to talk to a girl I went to school with. We never really spoke much at school; we knew of each other and we started to chat away on Facebook and we both agreed to meet up for a chat and things went from there. More and more dates went ahead, and it was at this point I started to question my double life so to speak. One or the other had to give and I really liked this girl, so I chose her over me and I purged all my female clothes away; threw them out.
Things became more serious and we entered a relationship together. She looked after her mum who was disabled and lived at the house with her mum. Suddenly and unsuspectingly her mum passed away and left her living in a 3-bedroom council house. The house wasn’t in her name and they wouldn’t sign the tenancy over to her, so they made her homeless. On the last day of her eviction notice the council found her somewhere else to live but she couldn’t afford it on her own, so I agreed to move in together. As we got to know each other more and more it was clear she was special and open minded so I started to push the boundaries so to speak of what she would tolerate. Turns out she didn’t mind me dressing in female clothes. This once again gave me an outlet and enjoyment but deep down I wanted more. Even if she didn’t suspect it, my dressing got more and more till it was most weekends. I really wanted to be seen out in public presenting as female. I can’t say for other transgender people but for me I’ve always had visions of what I wanted to look like, but she wasn’t keen on me being seen in public. She thought I would get attacked punched and kicked or even worse, so we left this discussion.
So, jump to last year 2019. I had been feeling down since Christmas and wasn’t sure of the reason why. Then I started thinking I’m nearly 36, never been fully happy; something always felt missing. I started to have a panic attack thinking I’m 1/4 of the way through my life and something’s not right. I thought about it more and more. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking but early May 2019 I texted my partner and said on a text message I want to go out dressed as a woman, I’m transgender. The response back wasn’t best pleasing as you can imagine. Here I am at work and she’s at home and I’m texting her. Some heated text messages were sent. I had at that point thought to myself she’s going to kick me out. I will get home to find my bags packed on the yard. I got home that night and we sat and chatted She cried a lot, and we went to bed not talking and me wondering where I go from here. The next day I got a text message from my partner saying I’ve been googling transgender and everything I’ve found so far said to leave you, apart from this one blog which said it’s hard to adjust but if you stop your partner from doing this, they will do it behind your back, and she said that’s not what I want for us and it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside its still you on the inside.
The following weekend we decided to do some online shopping for clothes for me and makeup. She turned around to me and said well if you’re a woman you need a female name so if I’m going to accept you, I think I should name you. I’m sure most of us have asked your parents what you would have called me if I was a boy or a girl, and my mum had Rachel chosen for me if I was AFAB (assigned female at birth). I’ve always thought I looked like a Rachel and I’m not sure why. My partner did a google search and there’s a popular name suggestion for people. You enter your DOB, location, where you grew up and your religious background, and it will generate a top 10 names for you, and on that list was Rachel. My partner picked it out and since my mum was going to name that it kind of went well.
My first outing in public after telling my partner was a strange one for many reasons. We decided to go to a transgender picnic in Nottingham on a Saturday afternoon. Originally it was outside but due to the rain moved into a theatre.
I work for a tyre wholesale company and have done for many years. There was a transgender guy on there who I used to deliver to, always secretly had admiration for him being himself and enjoying his life. I had pried into his life too much but from a distance he had it sorted. I was fortunate to briefly meet him on his journey and watch him blossom. I secretly wanted that as well. I had no concept that he might be at this picnic. I mean why would he be there he lives miles away. I arrived at the venue and opened the doors. Here I am with fellow people like me, like-minded people. I open the door and who’s stood in front of me is this guy I deliver to at work and his partner. It’s too late now to back out, I’m thinking to myself and he will know something’s off if I walk back out. My face was on the floor at this point and I’m thinking I have to do this. I step forward slowly walking to him and he looks up at me and I can see the brain engaging the cogs, and him thinking where do I know them from and then I open my mouth, “fancy seeing you here”. The penny drops and he said omg it’s you, I only spotted you because of the eyes. He said, fancy seeing you here, how long’s this been going on, and I told him I had just started. His response back was well you look amazing and smiling, much prefer you now to the other guy. We both laughed so much.
Over the coming months my confidence grew and grew and I knew deep down this is what I wanted. I started to make more and more friends and we started to have some amazing nights out.
For anyone unsure, medically transitioning as a transgender person is incredibly long and frustrating. Over the years and years there’s never been enough money put into transgender health care. Waiting time for the first assessment has gone to over 3 years at most gender identity clinics. There’s a small number dotted around the country. They’re underfunded and understaffed, and there’s so many people being referred each month, realistically they’re unfit for purpose now. Hence, many people have to go privately because your life’s on hold for anywhere from 3-5 years from start to finish.
I was fortunate to have amazing friends who helped and guided me along my way. I was lucky in the fact that I had a very understanding female doctor who knew the waiting times were long and she could see how much I wanted to start my journey; so, she referred me to a wonderful endocrinologist to get me started on hormones.
I was lucky and got a cancelation really quickly and had to lie to work why I needed time off on a Friday to go to hospital. I was fine up until about 4 days to go to my appointment when nerves and anxiety kicked in. I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t eat. This was it, what I really wanted, something that to a certain extent would give me the body I should have always had. I was really nervous that he would say no, and I would be left back at the beginning, hopeless and lost. When you want something so bad and it’s so close and all depends on someone else’s opinion its truly terrifying.
I was told leading up to this appointment, don’t worry you have got this far, how can they say no to you, but the matter of fact is, it’s easy for them to say that. There was a very lengthy discussion about me and what I was looking for from hormones and a check to make sure this is what I really wanted. You can stop hormone therapy at any point, but it will always leave lasting changes that do not revert back. Also discussed was the possibility of us as a couple wanting children in the future, we have always been honest as a couple together and it’s not something we both wanted so this wasn’t an issue for us. I’ve recently seen posts in the news about people saying they wasn’t fully aware of what they’re getting into when starting hormone replacement therapy and that’s just not the case. All the facts are laid out bare for you the risks associated with it, what to look out for, like deep vein thrombosis, liver issues and obviously a risk in breast cancer for transgender women.
The moment he told me he was happy to issue me with the hormones my whole world was filled with light. Happiest day of my life.
Early on in my coming out, so to speak I had to tell my mum and with anything there’s always fear and regret. I had some previous friends who I had told, and it hadn’t gone the way I was thinking, ended up with massive, heated arguments and a lot of name calling and personal attacks on me and my character, ended up not speaking for 6 months. It’s all good now. Over time they accepted its who I am now, but my mum is a different kettle of fish. She’s in her late 50s and I think it’s typical of that age range that I’ve found them to be less understanding and open minded. I wrote a letter telling her I was transgender and part of how I felt and when she was ready to contact me to ring me. I’m still waiting for that phone call. It’s upsetting to know you have a mum less than 3 miles away who hasn’t spoken to you in nearly a year.
The really hard part for me is when I look in the mirror, I see my mum in me so much, we look so similar when she was my age. Not sure if she will ever grasp and accept me but I have to live my life.
I mentioned my dad earlier. He was out my life for 30 years but recently he got in touch via his partner. She’s a really nice lady and we chatted. I told her that my dad needed to know I was transitioning. He sent a message back via his partner saying it was a shock to find out, but he accepts me and supports me 100%. Which in its own sense is strange thinking about it; here’s a guy who just found out his son is now his daughter and he has no issues with it and supports me, but my own mother who raised me hasn’t spoken to me since. How ironic is that?
With my newfound expression on myself I’ve grown way more confident in everyday life, certainly become more social and interactive with others in society. Before, I was withdrawn and very quiet. I didn’t like confrontation and I always felt awkward in social settings. Before transitioning my social life was non-existent. Going out would make my gender dysphoria the worst it could ever get, being stuck in a pub or club on a Friday or Saturday night was my idea of hell. There I was surrounded by absolutely gorgeous women of all shapes and sizes and I was so far away from this, in clothes I wasn’t happy in and certainly not interested in wearing. I’ve always felt men have had an injustice in this department. As a woman I have so much different fashion choices, I can have so many different looks and outfits it’s unreal.
Recently my ex-partner I had a child with, found out about me transitioning. She texted me on WhatsApp asking if I had come out as a woman. I’ve always had a policy of honesty; if I’m asked or confronted, I would never shy away from telling people. But as a transgender person I don’t think it’s my duty to inform everyone I meet I’m transgender. It’s just not acceptable to do that. She was shocked like most people, but asked questions as most people do, and wished me all the best. My son was mentioned and that she would sit and have a chat to him about this. He’s 13 now, so would understand what’s going on, but so difficult for kids. I know it’s more accepted nowadays and more public. She said she would let me know the outcome from the chat, but she’s never made contact back, so I really don’t know where I stand with this.
Usually when you tell someone you’re transgender the first questions you usually get asked straight away are
1; how long have you known?
2; Are you gay?
Let’s put this out there – sexuality isn’t related to gender; they’re separate and should never be confused and there not mutually connected.
My life at the moment is amazing apart from this awful covid19 pandemic. It’s massively affected plans for this year, cancelled prides festivals and other outdoor activities. I personally have had to cancel social gatherings that i hold for fellow transgender people, we have had to look for new ways of talking chatting and discussing topics. We used to meet in a local lgbtq+ bar in Derby on Monday nights. Numbers had dwindled in recent years, but since I started attending, I’ve managed to start getting the numbers up. Managed to meet some very dear close friends there and we are breaking down the barriers of being transgender and visible, interacting with other communities of the lgbtq+ community. I recently went into a venture with two of my best friends Shay and Nic in offering a transgender social gathering in the Northamptonshire area. It was clear that there wasn’t really anything like that offered. There’s formal help groups out there and they’re great for the community but sometimes people just want to make friends and chat away It can be a very lonely journey and certainly helps having a great support network. I’ve been fortunate to be able to help Derbyshire constabulary when they was running a no2hate campaign aimed at tackling hate crimes directed at minority groups within the community. This involved going into an inner-city Derby school and talking about hate crimes directed at the trans community. It was an all-day event with over 300 children to talk to. I had not done any public speaking before and this was a real challenge for me. My newfound confidence within myself got me through this and I had a real impact on the children I spoke with. In a sense they helped me, because they cemented the fact if I can stand in front of 300+ children and be me, then I can do anything I wanted. I was such a hit with the teachers and the children, I was asked back at a later date, to chat to the children on another occasion, in a much smaller more personal environment, to more talk about myself and my journey. I thought it was important to tell both sides of the story mtf and ftm because when you say transgender everyone assumes mtf but in fact there’s a growing community of ftm transgender people who need a voice and representation, so I asked my friends Shay and Nic to attend.
I’ve recently done a transgender calendar for 2021 to highlight visibility of us and to say we are here, and we are part of the community and have been for years and years. I feel that now is our time and we need to be more visible the more we are seen and heard in society the better it will be for everyone not just us, but the whole of society will gain from being diverse.
With anything that doesn’t fit society’s “normal” then you’re going to get people accepting you and others who are opposed to you. Statistics show hate crime is on the up and up against the transgender. The more we are seen in society and heard and given a voice, the more and more people take offence to us. It’s a doubled edged sword and sometimes I feel we are our own downfall of success at the moment. But hate is hate and shouldn’t be tolerated in society. All we have ever wanted is to be able to get on with our own lives and have the same rights as everyone else. We are very much being treated as second class in society because we are transgender. I feel the government thinks its ok to do this. Health care for transgender people is shocking on the NHS. NHS/government guidance says it should be no more than 18 weeks from contacting your doctor with a medical condition until you start treatment. This doesn’t apply to transgender people seeking help and the wait is 3 plus years at most gender identity services where we are sent. There needs to be a serious enquiry into why the NHS is failing transgender patients. Most doctors have very little or no training on how to deal with transgender patients and it shows in consultations when we approach them. My first ever doctor told me to find another surgery because they didn’t want me there. I had to register at another surgery.
Generally speaking, the only hate crime I get is from online abuse. Twitter is the most toxic place for this, and recently celebrities feel they have the right to attack us and try and undermine our rights. Everyone is entitled to free speech, but these comments are bordering on transphobic. The recent attacks from the women’s equality minister Liz Truss are worrying. Having someone in that position of power who is so outdated in her views is damaging to everyone. Recently it was leaked on Sunday 14th June 2020 that there’s talk of legislation to rollback transgender rights that formed part of the 2010 equality act. Transgender women have always been in women only spaces toilets and bathrooms and changing rooms. There is no evidence to suggest you’re more likely to be attacked in there because a transgender woman is sharing the space. Generally, women are accepting of us, I’ve even been stopped in there when washing my hands and women have approached me to compliment me on being brave and being myself. It’s just another indication that we are second class again, wanting us to use the toilets of our assigned sex at birth will be detrimental to everyone. Who’s going to be policing this policy and who’s checking genitals in the toilets? That seems more of a safeguarding issue violation to me and invasion of privacy. What happens when people start apprehending cis gender women because they looked butch/masculine – it’s a dangerous precedent. This was written into law in one American state and was ripped up again when they found it was untenable to police and you had transgender men in the female toilets and vis versa.
Summary of my life at the moment
Legally changed my name to Rachel Sally Browne on new year’s eve had a massive party to celebrate new year and new decade as me, it felt fitting to do it then. Came out to work and went full time the first week of March. Work was amazing in accepting me and supporting my transition. I was their first ever and they handled it well. It’s a majority male environment but I seem to fit in and really appreciate their efforts with me.
Living full time now as me, mentally it’s amazing. I don’t have to worry now everyone knows. Plans for the future, keep discovering this amazing woman, I am waiting still on the GIC so will keep on taking the hormones and watch my body take shape and be how I’ve imagined my body looked most of my life.