I was never a particularly happy child. In fact when I was eight I needed my first batch of therapy. I was haunted by an existential dread of death coupled with contemplations of suicide. I had awful nightmares and would sometimes declare I would jump from the tall block of flats I lived in at the time. I’ve made it sound worse than it was – it wasn’t a very long phase nor was I like this all the time; I remember after a few therapy sessions feeling much better. It was possibly connected to moving schools in year 2 of primary school; a common theme of upset later on life.
In year 4 my family moved down to Devon and I found it very tough, the school was different, the people were different, everything felt alien and I struggled with trying to fit in. I remember being a bit bullied and angry about the move; I thought of myself as a Londoner and had never wanted to move. Then came secondary school; another unwelcome change of environment and floundering of finding my place in the school. I didn’t have any real friends until year 9, I was one of a handful left out of big year parties, and I behaved like an outsider which cemented the isolation. I would have to pushed on the school bus by my mother, make myself throw up so I didn’t have to attend school, and cried a LOT.
Luckily, I managed to turn things around, improved my social skills, rid myself of some toxic fake friendships and replaced them with genuine ones still around today. Then going to a local college as an active choice and with friends alongside was the only non-painful change of schooling, and this was one of the happiest times in my life (although still I had occasional times of self-harming and intense sadness).
Attending a prestigious university after a year out was a big shock. I had always struggled with self-doubt, I remember drunkenly calling ChildLine in fits of tears about the pressure I was feeling pre-GCSEs and in year 2 I asked to be moved down a maths set due to beliefs I wasn’t intelligent enough. After not getting into Cambridge I didn’t leave bed for three days and still can feel insecure about it to this day. In my first year of university I had no routine, struggled with concentration, was smoking and drinking far too much and trying to be friends with “cool” (but actually pretty shitty) people.
All through university the pattern of good and bad mental health was rollercoasting around. I had big ups and big downs and luckily great people around me to help dig me out of the biggest holes and celebrate with when times were good. During this time though I never thought of myself as being any different from other people. I wouldn’t have said I had depression and anxiety despite multiple therapist visits. This was because I didn’t want to identify with these terms – partly out of a fear of accepting I was irretrievably broken, a fear of accepting that I would always have bleak times and suicidal thoughts as a part of my life.
After a big family bust up a couple years out of university I had probably the worst mental health time of my life and a big breakdown. I felt worthless, isolated, often suicidal, lifeless, and pessimistic. I finally accepted I had depression and anxiety and couldn’t handle the big downs anymore, I needed a lifestyle that didn’t bring me to the brink.
I am still adjusting to what this means – how much can I work without burning out? How do I engineer a life with my friends as we get older and move apart? Can I have a heavy night out occasionally? How do I catch myself falling down the mental health cliff earlier? It’s been difficult to put myself in lower gear, consciously cutting out things in my life, taking on less in order to avoid burn out. It’s often frustrating and sad but I also know it is necessary. I still feel depressed and anxious, but it is more manageable, and the extreme lows are less frequent.
I have been very fortunate to have support from friends and family in a way that lots of people don’t. I am very grateful for this as things could have ended differently had I not. This is why we need more mental health support for people, but more than that we need to re-examine the way we exist and live in society. Our society is built around cultures of consumerism, overwork, and individualism – all things renowned for being detrimental to mental health! Every year people commit suicide due to feeling unable to cope, and this is heavily exacerbated due to the government in power and the devastating cuts to welfare in this period. So yes, teach mental health in schools, yes raise awareness, and most importantly of all fight for societal reform so we can all feel more fulfilled, supported, and connected.
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