Honestly, I have no intention in doing the shit that I do but there’s so many things that impact my shit decisions. My parents play a huge role in it, My house is a prison. Every time I’m home I get interrogated, yelled at and I’m trapped in there. My mind is just flooded with thoughts about them. Every second of the day i’m thinking “what will they yell at me for today”, “how shit are they going to be to me today”, “what little thing are they going to get mad at me for today”, “why does my dad treat my mom and everyone so shit”, “how does my mom put up with his bullshit”, “why does my dad have such bad anger issues” and my biggest thought is “WHY”. I never have an answer but I do know some of the reasons. I failed my classes because I skipped my classes and I contemplated doing my work. I wish I wasn’t the person that I am but they don’t realize how hard I try to change and to try to work on my assignments. I put everything aside and I never finish my shit because I can’t focus on anything. I got diagnosed with ADHD 3 times and they haven’t done shit about it no matter how bad I say I need help, I might have more disorders but they won’t understand anytime I tell them this is why im struggling, instead they just scream at me and call me every name in the book making me feel worthless and pathetic even though I don’t know how to help myself… I stopped writing because they fought with me again but this time I reacted different, I usually yell the words “SHUT UP” until they stop then lock myself in the bathroom until they unlock it scream at me more but this time I went to a different washroom where the lock was different so they couldn’t do anything and I broke a glass out of frustration because there yelling wouldn’t stop. Once it broke they went silent because they thought I would destroy the room, when they left I broke down into tears and used a shard of glass to slit my wrists 3 times. Two on my left wrist and one on my right, I’ve never done this before but for whatever reason it gave me a sense of calmness and relief. I felt free when I saw the blood flowing out my cuts, I know this is not right but it felt so good. My other ways of coping are 1) going out with friends to take my mind off of everything, listening to the music blasting in the car, having meaningful conversations with them, feeling the wind on my face through the car window and just feeling free. And 2) DRUGS. Now doing drugs is a long spectrum of my life, don’t get me wrong I don’t do the heavy shit but it’s not like I haven’t tried them. Nicotine to Weed to Shrooms to Acid to Lean to Xans to Molly and Coke. That’s my order but I stick to Nicotine and weed, I only tried the others the times where I needed to feel okay and safe. Almost everyone would say it’s not safe but people who come from my perspective will understand what it’s like to feel at least the littlest bit of comfort it provides you. If I could choose another path I would try to but this is where I am today and it can’t change overnight and my parents don’t seem to understand that. I’m depressed, Bi- Polar, Selfish, Cold Hearted and a lot of other things that would leave your jaw wide open and I can’t change who I am.
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